


Understanding

by Charliechaz



Category: Sports RPF, Swimming RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Childhood Memories, Closeted Character, Domestic Violence, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2013-11-18
Packaged: 2018-01-01 22:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charliechaz/pseuds/Charliechaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was originally posted August 2012 at Olympic_Slash on live journal for mrhomolicious and for  j_dlovr465 whom gave the prompt over at xxx olympic comment ficathon. The prompt: "Lochte abuses Michael, but Lotche wants to try and stop. Bonus if maybe Nathan Adrian realizes what is happening and decided to get involved in helping Michael." </p><p>Special thanks to anonniemaus497 for being my Beta. (First time poster so please be kind; hope I did the cut and the html properly.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understanding

Not everyone can see it, but Nathan can because he’s seen it before.

*

Nathan is at the Grand Prix in Charlotte; it's late and almost everyone has gone to bed. Nathan crouches at the end of the hall scooping ice from the machine when he hears the ping of the elevator. Nathan lifts his hand to wave, to say something, when it happens. He assumes that Michael and Ryan did not expect anyone to be up otherwise it wouldn’t have happened at all.

Michael steps off the elevator first and Ryan grabs the sleeves of Michael’s jacket. It’s the universal sign for _don’t walk away from me_.

It's a small moment, but in that moment Nathan knows: _Ryan hits Michael_.

Michael yanks his arm back and Ryan moves to grab him again – and that's when they notice Nathan standing there with his hand up.

“Hey Nate, what are you doing up?” Ryan asks.

“Ice. For my wrist.” Nathan shakes the bucket in his hand.

“I’m pretty sure Bowman would give you an ice pack.” Ryan offers just as nice as always.

“Um…yeah.” Nathan shifts a bit. “My ice pack got warm.”

“I think we have some in our mini fridge.” Ryan speculates out loud.

“You just keep ice packs in your – ”

Michael finally speaks. “Ry, its late.” He tips his head toward their door. “Good night Nathan.”

Michael takes Ryan by the hand to lead him down the hall.

“Its fine. I’ll be right over.”

Nathan just stands there.

It should be sweet, the two of them holding hands, but it wasn’t.

Minutes later Ryan brings the ice pack as promised and says something about Michael being tired and not wanting to keep him waiting. Nathan stays up all night.

 _Ryan and Michael are a couple. How long had they been together? How long had **it** been happening?_  
______________

Once Nathan knows it's all Nathan sees; through the qualifying heats, the semi-finals, the relays and every post swim interview. Nathan sees it, but he can’t describe it.

Nathan wants to help, to say something, but to whom? Michael and Ryan aren’t out so there is no way for Nathan to say anything without also exposing all of Michael’s secrets. _Maybe that makes it worse. What if Michael wants help?_

On the last day of the meet Nathan sits on the benches beside the warm up pool watching Michael swim under Bob’s instruction. Nathan racks his brain to think of whom Michael’s close friends are on the team, hoping he could coax Michael’s friends into noticing it too. Nathan isn’t friends with Michael he is _friendly_ with Michael they way teammates are supposed to be.

Michael is a cool guy – nice. He should have friends, but he doesn’t. He has teammates. Michael is always so focused on swimming that he doesn’t socialize with anyone. Nathan can see how people think Michael is a bit arrogant, a bit of an asshole. Today Nathan just sees that Michael is isolated.

All that isolation can make a guy go crazy and do crazy things like: drive drunk, or smoke weed with strangers in Michigan, golf instead of strength train or take off to Vegas a week before a meet without telling anyone. Unless Ryan is around; Ryan makes Michael socialize.

Nathan remembers Bob laughing with the press, telling the story about how angry he was and when he and Debbie couldn’t get a hold of Michael they had reached out to Ryan. It had taken one phone call from Ryan and Michael was on a plane home within the hour.

That story suddenly wasn’t funny.

___________

Nathan knows because he’d seen the same look on his mother’s face. He recognizes the fatigue, the exhaustion of holding a mask up all the time. He was eight and his mom had a boyfriend. Doug. Doug was a catch – that’s what the other moms would say when they didn’t think the kids could hear. Nathan always thought he was interrupting his mom and Doug because they’d always looked like they had just stopped doing something whenever he came home. So he just stayed at the pool all the time. Until after dark sometimes and his mom had to come pick him up in Doug’s car. Nathan knew his mom liked Doug, a lot, he’d watch her put on a full face of make up everyday. Then she’d turn to him and ask, “Do I look alright?

One day his mom picked him up early from school, all their stuff was packed. They stayed a few days at some strange lady’s house; then they’d moved to Seattle. His mom stopped wearing so much make up, she got a job as nurse at the VA hospital and she looked better than alright. Then she met his Dad.

Nathan never saw Doug do anything, at least not as best as he can remember, but Nathan definitely remembers the way his mom looked.

_________

Knowing all this – putting it all together and Nathan still doesn’t understand. Doug was such a cool guy. _How could he be so cool and hurt my mom?_ Nathan thinks if he could understand he could explain it to Michael and get Michael to move on. It seemed smarter to just tell someone, like Bob or one of Michael’s sisters and let then work it out as a family.

Nathan wants to call his mom and ask her what made he leave Doug, but they’d never talked about it before. _She probably has no idea I even know_. Nathan doesn’t want to ambush his mom.

Then Ryan is there, sitting on the bench next to him asking if _he’s_ alright.

“What?” Nathan says.

“Your wrist. Can you not swim?” Ryan asks.

“No. I’m swimming later.”

“You’re looking at the pool like it kicked your puppy?” Ryan fiddles with his phone, likely updating his twitter feed. He’d been checking obsessively since he’d tweeted Lil’ Wayne earlier that morning.

“I’m looking at Michael.”

This stops Ryan’s tweeting.

“I know Ryan.”

“Know what?”

“I _know_ Ryan.” Nathan looks right at him, his gaze striking like a thunderbolt. “I know, but I don’t understand why you do it.”

Ryan freezes. It’s not how he’d thought he’d react to someone finally seeing through him.

He’s relieved.

_____________

Ryan swipes his thumb back and forth across the keypad typing gibberish. He doesn’t realize, but his face changes as his mind races. His shoulders stiffen; his back straightens. He squints like he’s looking at something far off in the distance.

It hadn’t always been like this. Ryan would say he’s …passionate…about Michael. _Passionate_.

He loves Michael - a lot. It makes everything intense all the time. The touching, the kissing, the sex, and yes even the fights. They’d get physical, but not always. Not at first.

 

They were apart a lot, they were in love, they were top-level athletes and they were a secret. Combustible. They’d argue sometimes and Ryan didn’t want to argue. Especially with what little time they had together. Michael would say things in ways … that … that pissed him off. So he’d shove Michael; just a little push at first, just to get him to back off. Or he’d curse over the phone and then hang up. Because who wants to fight on the phone.

 

Everything was so intense. The sex, the fighting, the swimming…it was all the time and Ryan just wanted everything to calm down. Then Michael would go and say something or do something that would heat everything up again.

 

Ryan just wanted everything to calm down so nothing would be wrong when they were together. At some point calming things down turned into just keeping Michael down all the time. Michael would look miserable, which was the exact opposite of everything Ryan had wanted. Ryan wanted Michael to be happy and he wasn’t. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t make Michael happy. Not for very long anyway.

 

Ryan knows how he treats Michael. The harsh words. The snapping. Ryan knows he doesn’t let Michael make decisions. _Its simpler when he just decides, quicker and nobody argues or second guesses_. Ryan knows when the sex is too rough and how Michael will shy away from him for a few days until he can be sure that Ryan’s touch will be gentle again. Ryan can see Michael trying to figure it out. Trying desperately to repeat things that make Ryan smile and relax and avoid anything that will aggravate their fragile balance. Searching for affections like rewards in some sort of perverse obedience training. The irony is, if Ryan any guy treated his sister the way he treats Michael there’d be a fight. _But maybe that’s the problem_.

 

Ryan thinks of his parents divorce. It was a long time coming. Their fights weren’t physical, but they’d bicker and argue. Years went by until it seemed they couldn’t do anything together. So they got a divorce. Ryan had hoped if he and Michael never fought they’d never break up. But they’d fight anyway. Rather Ryan fights and Michael doesn’t fight back.

 

Upon reflection that seemed so much worse than any fight his parents had ever had.  
_____________

Michael looks at the two of them, Ryan and Nathan sitting on the bench. Each hunched over a bit. Nathan is staring at Michael. Ryan is upset.

Michael stands there, dripping wet in his speedo holding his goggles in his hand. He seems small – out of place. Something Michael’s never been on a pool deck. And Nathan feels like a coward. He was supposed to help his friend, it was his moment to be brave and do the right thing. His moment to punch Ryan in the face or tell the awful secret so Ryan wouldn’t have power anymore. His moment and he was selfish because he wanted his own answers.

Ryan composes himself, schools his expression so he’s not frowning in Michael’s direction. He clears his throat “ I just…”

But then he doesn’t say anything more. He just gets up and walks away.

Ryan wraps Michael in a towel, to stop his shivering, and leads him into the locker room.

_________

Nathan fears the worst. That he’s gotten Michael into trouble. He decides to follow them, secretly, and intervene if anything does down. Only Nathan has to wait for Bob to stop looking at Nathan like he’s weird. If Bob think he’s up to something he could follow Nathan and walk in on Michael and Ryan fighting. Nathan is almost certain that would _not_ be good for Michael. That it’d just push him away and even Ryan wouldn’t be able to call him back.

When Nathan finally gets to the locker room its surprisingly quiet. So he peeks around the last row of lockers, holding his breath like the sound of his breathing would alert them to his presence.

Michael is sitting on the bench – confused. He’s stopped halfway though toweling off so his legs and hair are still wet, but his torso is dry. He’s crying; eyes welling with tears. Ryan is on his knees. Nathan is pretty sure they just broke up. Ryan doesn’t stop he just brushes past Nathan on his way out.

Now Nathan sees it clearly. Ryan’s face is the same as Michael’s. The face –

– its pain.

Nathan thinks he understands. It's like there are two victims, but whatever happened to Ryan happened before Ryan met Michael. Just like Doug was damaged before he met Nathan’s mom and damaged her too. That’s why she had to leave.

Even though it seems wrong Nathan takes step back. He wants to help Ryan. He’s conflicted. Michael’s crying, but Ryan is too. In his own way. In that moment Nathan doesn’t feel like a coward. He knows Ryan isn’t Doug. He knows Ryan will understand.

Michael isn’t the least bit curious as to why Nathan seems unfazed by everything. He just grabs at him.

“Its not like that, he hasn’t hit me – ” The 'yet' doesn’t need to be said because they both know. Just like Michael knows that just because Ryan hasn't punched in the face doesn’t mean its never gotten physical between them. “Its just so hard sometimes.”

Michael is crying because he’s worried about Ryan, like he’s always worried about Ryan. “Michael. Michael. Do you trust me?” That seems to put the brakes on Michael's building panic attack. “He’ll be okay. I promise.”

He’s very diminished all of the sudden. “Promise?”

“Yes.” Nathan isn’t sure what to do next or even what he’s actually promised. He feels unqualified. So he just asks, “Do you think you’ll be okay?”

Michael is on the verge of tears again so he shakes his head no.

“Do you want help?”

Michael nods, so Nathan holds him. He decides he can’t be Michael’s savior, but he can stay with him until Michael can walk without shaking.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope there was sufficient warning/tagging for people. 
> 
> For those of who who skipped down to the notes before reading there is no description of actual domestic. By this I mean there isn't a scene where one character is abusing another. However, as the prompt outlines, two characters are in an abusive relationship. Also Nathan's character recalls childhood memories, previously repressed memories, of his mother being a victim of domestic violence when he was very small.
> 
> It is my hope that using Nathan's childhood experience makes the story impactful without having to use gratuitous descriptions of domestic violence.


End file.
